One's life filled with many regrets,
the only different is,
will one repeat it over n over again.
Some view regret as bad.
Well i look at it as,
something that hurts hell alot,
and left a big cut.
Wounds that heals,
yet scars always remains.
Scars that reminds u not to repeat ur mistake,
but try to remember n not do it again.
All this life, i love whole heartedly.
Still my soul mate's not here.
I treasure each one relations,
deep in me,
as they are only memories left.
For now, i have learn how to love.
Love without asking anything in return.
For the happiness lies in loving a person,
remains a mystery.
Others may view me as,
i'm totally losing it.
Have i gone nuts.
Well.. when one knows the feeling,
they will say nothing but just smile.
True enough, when u're in love,
makes u feel like sunshines shinning upon u.
Even on the darkest raining day.
One's mood no longer belongs to themself.
But to the person they chose and hold dearest to.
My love, i may appear to be strong.
i may appear to be cheerful,
but at the end of the day,
it's ur warm smile and hugs,
that i need most.
To warm me up from within,
recharging me with full plague energy,
to face what ever lies ahead.
I know love's never fair.
One's always being love more than the other.
And in return, u may be taken for granted.
Our worlds' so far apart.
Our life's so different.
And i know i'm scare at times.
Afraid of losing myself totally.
For i already know,
i have long pass the line of return.
Now i stand alone,
by the cliff, tied by a thin thread of silk.
That's the only line i have holding me,
between the bottomless fall and life.
There, i stood clinging on.
Clinging on to what i believe in so strongly,
all my life.
Just waiting for your love.
Dearest, i'm waiting.
-Fallen Arch angel-
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Forgive me
Am i taking the easy way out.
I'm kind of lost myself.
For i am convincing myself,
no matter how bad life turns out.
i have tried my best.
Forgive me, i have fallen for u.
Forgive me, u're more important than i am.
Forgive me, u're the sunshine of my life.
Forgive me, my smiles for u.
Forgive me, for loving u.
Forgive me, u're the happy pills of my life.
Forgive me, i'm who i am.
Forgive me, for losing hope.
Forgive me, as i'm losing myself.
Forgive me, for letting u go.
Forgive me, as my heart bleeds for u.
Forgive me, my tears dropped for u.
Forgive me
Forgive me
Forgive me
Forgive me ..
For i really love u.
Time - 23th - 29th Oct 2007
8:54 AM
Lost track of time.
Found myself walking in circle.
Unable to find the way out.
Time stop for no one,
yet i'm trapped in it.
No matter how far i tried to look,
i can see anything.
No matter how hard i tried to listen,
i hear nothing.
Trapped in space,
losing my body and leaving my mind in trance.
Weightless, as i float.
feels no ground where i stand.
My heart hold a sense of a lost child.
In darkness,
i became weak.
Holding up too long,
putting up a strong self.
Finally i found relieve.
Allowing darkness,
embracing me tightly.
Forgotten the feeling.
The warm feeling that was long lost.
Maybe, for too long i have search.
Searching for something that maybe,
doesn't exist in this world of illusions.
Just maybe, my wait was fruitless.
Losing myself more and more each day as
i walk this tiring and straining life.
I walk - 22th Oct 2007
8:35 AM
Life's been full of ups' n downs'.
Never ending issues to look into.
One can only feel so short of time,
when everything seems rushes pass.
Fighting with the lost hope,
feeling of giving up.
Maybe i have reach the point of breaking.
Once the saying goes,
when u reach the break point.
There'll be no return.
Today i place myself at the point.
At this point of life,
too many fakes,
too many talks,
too many selfishness
too many insecurity.
Today i walk.
I walk my path alone.
Monday, October 22, 2007
The Journey - 21st Oct 2007
8:25 AM
Days seem to pass with just a blink.
Good times flashes pass so quickly.
Yet bad times lingers on like times' never ending.
Walk a path discovering many things in life.
As what life's always made of,
there's good and bad.
Everyone always seems to try forget the bad,
and remembering the good.
Somehow i learn to treasure to good,
and remember the bad.
From good,
u can only hold on to the wonderful memories.
From the bad,
u can learn a precious lesson learned.
An experience, u will bring down with u,
together with the good to ur last breath on earth.
Looking through my past life,
yet i have not chosen a path,
a path that appear in forks of life
right before my eyes.
I have traveled so far,
still i feel, i'm lost.
The feeling of,
in search for a sacred place i can call my own.
Are there anyone that can hear my screams.
Screaming in silence,
breaking all bearers.
No one answers.
When night falls,
as darkness filled the skies.
Stars not shinning.
Silver lining of tear drops streaming from my eyes,
eyes that can no longer see,
the kindness of a lovers plead.
Only carrying the burden,
of a shattered heart.
The journey i walk.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The running - 20th Oct 2007
2:32 AM
Seems like the long walk,
have somehow..craved me into a different person.
something in me grew hard.
Lost of faith in what i believe in once.
Now .. just seems to unreal.
Still i'm faced with forks of path infront,
but i just stood there.
Not wanting to chose any.
For i'm afraid.
Felt a tinkle sense of my soul,
leaving my shell,
floating above all.
Hoping to see things clearer.
Than what's my clouded mind have been stained.
Guess for once i'm running,
running away trying to find refuged.
sheltering myself away from all odds.
One day...
Losing - 19th Oct 2007
2:27 AMAs i continue my walk,
different fork leads to different road.
Came to my stop,
Now i'm faced with forks of life leading
to different path.
Stood there, wondering hard.
Still at lost not knowing which path i should take.
For once i kept everything to myself on how i felt.
Not even myself knows the answer now.
Maybe i'm slowly losing faith.
Faith that i so strongly believe in.
Just pray for a light that will shine the way for me.
Maybe i'm praying for the impossible.
Sighz....
Make known - 18th Oct 2007
2:22 AMThe knot that tied all the questions and doubts,
have finally been untied.
Felt ease inside me, a sense of relief,
afraid of so many things,
losing you is what frightens me most.
Guess one day i do have to face it though.
for now i still walk my path,
the path i strongly believe in.
Only pray every single night,
i see you, at the end of my walk.
missing u
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Rain's Over - 17th Oct 2007
10:59 AM
Suddenly, rain clouds' gone.
Air smells sweeter after the rain.
Seems to have washed away all unhappiness of life.
Still i never look up the sky for a rainbow.
Neither did i wish for one,
For i'm feeling the warm in me,
even though i'm all soaked up.
As i begin to walk down the path,
somehow, i felt lighter.
maybe most of my worries and sorrows have been washed away.
Or just maybe the freshness of the air,
have somehow clean me up.
A light smile, tinkle from my face.
Lines of pain no longer visible.
Today, i walk afresh.
Enjoying the feeling of freedom.
Freedom from all worries and insecurity.
I hold no longer to the blames i imposed on myself,
For there's only hope i can see.
Hope of walking this lonely path,
to the dim light that shines from far away.
No doubt the journey might be tough,
nevertheless no one said it is going to be easy.
For i have you, from deep in within.
I place my first step out.
only to feel lighten up.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The rain - 16th Oct 2007
12:51 PM
Ever since i open my eyes,
the skies been dark and cold.
Rain drops hitting hard on my face.
Leaving no stain behind,
just carrying along with them my tears.
Seems like mother nature's felt my pain.
A sense of relieve,
came along with the rain.
Knowing i'm not the only one's tearing.
As i walk down the dark lonely path.
A mix feeling of sorrow and hollow,
rushes within me.
Put me to a stand still in the rain,
with mind blank.
Lost in a confused state.
Leaving me in trance.
Floating of into another dimension,
leaving my carcass behind.
Maybe this what a person feels when they die.
Weighing lighter than any air,
floating away from their shell.
Mental death came over me,
leaving my mind so free.
Emotional death calls upon me,
promises eternal bliss.
Physical death refrain me,
telling me it's not my time.
Left me wandering,
does soulmate really exist.
For once in this life time,
i have doubts in everything.
Life seems to be filled with lies,
empty promises and heart aches.
Words loses it's trust value,
for too many had spoken.
Love holds no value,
for too many have taken for granted.
Life contains way too many uncertainties,
for one to have doubts.
Nature have the art of moving in circles.
What comes around,
goes around.
As they may say.
My tears may flows for you,
but never i would look forward to the day,
someone's tears drop for me.
When i close my eyes,
i wish u were here.
When i feel cold,
i only wish you are warm.
When i'm sad,
i pray only for you to be happy.
That's what you ever meant to me.
Monday, October 15, 2007
The first day - 15th Oct 2007
10:03 AMSky turns dark, weather's cold.
As the rain hits my face, my heart aches.
the coldness that i felt,
was freezing from within.
As i walked down the path in darkness,
i felt nothing but emptiness.
Dragging through the broken glass path,
yet feel no pain.
Numb to the state of awareness.
Clinging on to the slightest hope that,
i'll see you.
Actually brought light to my eyes.
As every second and minutes passes,
i'm fading away with time.
Soon the light of my eyes turns grey.
Black and white painted my world.
Everything i touch withers.
Every hope i dream of crumple to dust.
Looked up to the sky,
hoping to see a star shinning down on me.
But found none.
It's late now,
there's a long silence in the air.
The only sound can be heard,
Was the crying out,
of my torn heart.
Songs of agony,
Fills the air,
Only bring tears to my eyes,
as my heart bleeding itself dry.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Today - 14th Oct 2007
11:10 AMToday i remember the days of my dives.
Sinking deeper down into the abyss,
hearing nothing but just my heart beat,
surround by the echo of my breathing.
Looking around seeing nothing.
Everywhere i turn just me,
sinking slowly and deeper.
Just like where i am right now,
sinking deeper and deeper into deep thoughts.
Feeling lost? Feeling all alone?
Well i can't answer any of that though.
No doubt, i felt something missing somewhere.
Somethings' just not right, why am i feeling this way?
Have i gone too deep? Too deep to a point of no return?
Leaving me puzzled, i know my limits and where i'm at.
Nights after nights i have confide with myself,
what should i do.
Come to a conclusion, and learned to love without
expecting any in return.
Am i happy? i know i feel whole even from a simple sms,
or a short call.
Those action never failed to put a smile on my face,
or even lighting my heart.
Today, my style of writing is kind of different.
maybe, it's just that..i longer know how to express
my thoughts, everything just went blank.
Felt a sharp pain, yet i'm still feeling lost.
Too many thought flashing through my mind.
Too many sharp pain piercing through my heart.
Too busy clutching my fist close to my heart.
After so long, i have learned love's a wonderful thing.
When a couple, take time to appreciate one another,
taking the opportunity given to learn from each other.
Simply love each other for whom they are and
not what they are made of.
Is loving a person so difficult.
Yes and no.
Yes : Loving a person is difficult,
- when u expect too much for one.
- when u love for what they are make of,
and not what they are.
- When u wanna love them just to own them.
- when u love urself more than the other.
- when all u think about is ur feeling.
- many more.. i'm not gonna say too much,
for i have learn each one of them the hard way
No : Loving a person is easy
- when u love her more than urself.
- when u love her of what she is all about.
- when everything she does, puts a smile on ur face.
- when u love her without any expectation.
- when u feels good by just loving her.
- when u only care for her feeling.
- when u place her infront of everything else.
- when, it's her that u wanna wake up with.
Am i in love, i can only say..
i'm caring for someone more than myself,
the thoughts of her,
place a smile on my face,
her voice calms my heart.
when i see her tears,
it tears my heart.
when i don't hear from her,
i'm lost in abyss.
Never been able to know whether,
am i awake or am i still asleep.
For that someone special.
No matter what u do,
u have my full backing.
No matter what happen,
i'm always behind u.
No matter when and where,
i'm always 30 mins away from u.
i guess i'll be missing u.
Love is so simple, there's not much complication.
Biggest complication lies in humans.
Love with no expectation.
Only for ur smile.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Hell Freezes - 13th Oct 2007
1:37 PMI felt that i walking in burning path of hell's gate.
But yet it felt so cold..
my body shivers, my heart's so cold.
In hell where fire burn deep,
here i stand feeling cold.
Hell freezes.
Guess this the worst, one have to go thru'.
Walking in hell yet feeling the coldness chills down ur spine.
There's a kind of unexplainable aches in my heart.
A sharp pain piercing through.
Felt something warm flowing,
thought i bleed.
Only to realized that,
tears dropping from my eyes.
As i walked deeper.
The unbearable pain is no longer,
from physical wounds.
But the coldness of one that i treasure.
Here i stand in middle of a freezing hell.
Still waiting..
The beginning - 12th Oct 2007
12:38 PMThe beginning of what's lost.
The walk seems long.
Breathing seems hard.
growing weaker as each day passes.
Today i felt the full plague of what life gonna be in the dark.
Uncomfortable yet ironically i have to face it.
The coldness i'm not used to though,
moreover it's sent the chills down my spine,
like hell freezes over.
Something's lost,
yet maybe certain thing's gain.
Life seems so harsh on me,
Feeling rejected and dejected..
decision have to come to a stand still on,
what's right, what's wrong.
Yet this only the beginning of everything.
Good or bad, no one knows
maybe .. just maybe i won't live till that day
to know the answer.
Friday, October 12, 2007
The struggle - 11th Oct 2007
3:39 PMBeen walking aimlessly in the dark.
For so long, never before i felt so lost.
Doesn't seem to know myself now.
Guess that always happens,
when you go too deep into anything.
Every steps are filled with doubts and insecurity.
Physical pain no longer hurts,
emotionally damage.
Thought the path lighten up as i walked deeper,
vision becoming visible guess i was wrong.
Trapped too long in my world of darkness,
Losses all senses.
Struggling with what ever strength left.
Just waiting to be found,
and for once have the feeling of being love again.
So many uncertainties,
so many confusion.
Makes the journey difficult and painful.
Struggling.... searching for you.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
The mist - 10th Oct 2007
5:58 AMPath grew misty, covering all vision.
Forgotten the fact,
that i'm in the world of darkness all this while.
Still trap within my shell,
unable to break free.
Free from all senses.
Unbearable pain cuts like a million thorns of roses,
piercing my bleeding heart.
Trapped in deep thoughts.
Yet unable to put them out in speech,
for the words are not from my mouth,
but from my heart.
Memories of the past, flashes through time.
slashing me away slowly.
No longer have the strength,
mentally, emotionally and physically..
to move on.
As i lay there, time seem to come to a stop.
Soft whisper from the wind's,
only reminds me i still falling in the endless pit.
The glow at the end of the walk,
grew smaller and smaller.
As i fall deeper and deeper.
Given up on faith,
of seeing you at the end of the path.
Heart's breaking and faith lost along the way.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
The rain - 9th Oct 2007
11:47 AMThere's a saying goes like once the rain's over
u will get a rainbow.
In my life, i have been waiting for the rainbow to form.
Many a days i have been walking in the rain.
More like i've already grew used,
to the chill water droplets falling on me.
Never did i dare look up the sky for a rainbow.
It's not that i can't face reality, but isn't it true,
If u don't expect anything in return,
even if u don't get anything back u're not disappointed .
Some might say that's a easiest way of running from reality.
But to me, i feel that's the best way to face it herself.
It's the same theory as,
when u love u love whole heartedly.
But the different is when u love someone whole heartedly,
and not expecting anything back in return.
U are actually a happier person,
for u don't face disappointment.
If the one u love, felt something towards u
and love u in return, wouldn't that makes u the happiest person.
Life is always full of uncertainties and mysteries.
Especially when it comes to that big word LOVE.
No doubt in my life i have love quite afew.
Never have i regretted loving any,
no matter how bad it ends.
Today i treasure a special someone.
Even though the impossibilities are so much higher
than possibilities.
But that doesn't change anything in life.
The most important thing is i'm happy.
Yes true enough there's always dark clouds,
covering the skies above me.
But what different does it makes if u're life in darkness
Guess i'm waiting in the rain for a while.
just maybe one day the rainbow will shine above me.
just maybe.
Monday, October 8, 2007
The Loner- 8th Oct 2007
1:54 PMBeing lonely isn't something i am afraid of.
Seems like i have been accustom to it.
No it's not a easy escape of life,
more likely a better grip of knowing oneself better.
For some reasons, my walks this life hasn't been very smooth.
Till this day, no matter how tough life gets, i have never given up.
For the simple reason i always believe in,
Once u have got through the toughness of life,
Life craved u to become a better person.
No doubt i have once love so truly and dearly,
every relation i have gone through,
holds no doubt, purely out of love.
Every memories, good or bad.
I hold on to dearly deep within me,
The only treasure i value other than you.
Stuck in deep trance stage,
asking and questioning with the odds.
Seems like i have lost my way,
every steps i walk, i'm lost deeper into the darkness.
Will i see the light, at the end of this walk?
The weight - 7th Oct 2007
1:45 PMCarrying the memories of yesterday.
So how felt heavier than before.
The reason : unknown
Is it because i have learn and seen too much in life.
Can it be the reason i have once loved so dearly.
Or simply i'm just tired ?
Now, i just wanna close my eyes and,
let the darkness embrace me completely.
I thought i saw the light at the end of the path.
Guess i was wrong.
Maybe it's just the tear forming at the corner of my eye.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Am i losing myself - 6th Oct 2007
1:14 PMOpen my eyes, i sense u're not around.
First thing that came to me was,
am i losing myself.
I felt so lost, hysterically search every corner,
in darkness sweeping thru the ground which
is covered by broken glasses.
Sense no pain, but feeling in need to hold u again.
Nights grew cold, colder than it was once.
Maybe it's because my heart's slowly dying away.
Giving up what i treasure most even in my dying breath.
Am i losing myself..
Whispers from darkness,
keep reminding me i have change.
Rage is always at the tip of my grip,
as what they say.
Have i really change?
Maybe i have, for i have chosen a path that's laid with broken glasses.
But as i walked down this road,
i'm not sensing any pain,
but the joy of rediscovering what i have long lost.
The joy of knowing i have u always by my side.
Even though we are far away,
far away.. maybe of different dimension of life.
Have i lost myself.
The swing - 5th Oct 2007
6:10 AMHolding on to the believe.
Crying in darkness.
All i have left in my arms,
is you.
In my heart are only the memories left.
What i treasure are the times when u're
beside me.
No doubt we are far.
But the feeling's so warm.
No matter how bad and cold the day is,
doesn't matter once i have u beside me.
You made me smile,
you warm my lonely soul,
you show me, a reason to exist in this world.
It's you that i found joy for all this short months,
even we are so far apart.
Not a day i don't miss you,
not a day i stop loving you,
not a day i never care for you.
With all these, yet not a day i didn't stop telling myself
the impossiblities of us.
Dearest, it's a beautiful
Just having u around,
it's a life of darkness with colors brightening it.
Guess this the swing,
weather changes the mood one one as the saying goes.
Till that day arrive, i will still be here.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
The mood - 4th Oct 2007
10:49 AMWhen i open my eyes, she's no longer in my arms.
Everything Felt so lost.
Feeling the Chill down my spine, even there's no wind.
Surround by dry air, yet i felt dampen.
The glow she carries in her smile was lost.
My world ..... gone, lost.
There's no me today.
The meeting - 3rd Oct 2007
10:06 AMMy senses came back to me, unfamiliar yet comforting.
It's been so long, since i have felt this way.
Somethings that was long lost, never thought...
Yet i found it in u.
It's glowing as if, trying to show me the way.
Dim light flickering, as she floats around me.
Finally i understand what she's trying to tell me.
Floating to a rest on my shoulder, realizing the danger she's risking.
Trying to guide me out of the sheer darkness of life.
Swallowing all beauties and calmness life have to offer.
Yet.. she's risking all that just trying to lead me out.
My heart starts to ache.
Feeling the saddens that have being building up all these years i had fallen.
Just by knowing, there's still one exist.
There, i made a promise to myself.
Never in this life i will let any harm come to her,
for i think i finally found what i have being looking for.
As i pulled myself up to my stand.
The unbearable pain just keep coming, cutting deeper n deeper.
Knowing and aware of all the odds of life against all possiblities.
Pull up a strong front. yet every bit of my heart are tearing.
As i saw the invisible chain, that binded her down.
Unable to break away, from the darkness that have kept her in all these years.
Wondering what's she doing for there's a more beautiful life for her.
Tears drops from my eyes as i realize that,
the chain was binded out of pure compassion for other.
Placing others more than her little tiny self in the cold lonely world of darkness.
My heart shatters.
Unable to explain the pain.
For it cuts more than what i have learn to accept.
The darkness suddenly felt so peaceful and quite,
so inviting for i can never see the lines or the tears from her eyes.
I just embraced her softly in my arms.
Loving her gently.
There i closed my eyes.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
The Wait
12:21 PMThe long wait - 2nd Oct 2007
In the dark, though i can't feel any familiar senses.
But deep in me, i hold on to the precious memories of my life so dearly.
No doubt, sweet bitter mixed.
It's the love that kept me going all this years.
*A little bit of who i am:
Maybe i'm a typical soul born in the horoscope of a balance.
A Libra.
Constantly weighing the balance of life trying to find the love of my life.
Still believe the perfect relationship of find my soulmate.
For my whole life, i remember all the love i have been through.
Treasuring every relationship i shared before.
Thanking all sincerely, telling each i have once love you truly and completely.
Lost in time, sheer darkness grips me tight.
Every steps weighs down on me.
Draining me physically, mentally, and emotionally.
The only hope i have and look forward too is that light so far away.
Endless path seems to be ahead.
Maybe i'm tired.
Or i'm too tired.
Feeling of giving up seems like an easy way out.
Tempted to reach for it as i can no longer hold on the sight of that light.
Knees grow weak.
I finally drop to my knees.
Only to find, i had been walking on broken glass all this while.
Warm fluid runs down from my knee.
But i can feel no pain.
For the pain from my broken heart numbs all others.
At the verge of giving up everything.
The Beliefs i hold onto so dearly.
Tears streaming down my eyes blurs all vision.
From the corner of my eye, i saw something.
Something unfamiliar yet felt so comforting.
So comforting...
thE aWakEninG
12:02 PMThe Awakening - 1st Oct 2007
Once again as i walk down the path. The path that's long, uneven and dark.
All i can see is the small little dot of light far away.
The long walk that's slowly became so heavy lifting every step.
Heart grew cold, soul drifting away.
All i have with me ... memories.
Memories of the past.
I tried so hard to leave them behind.
Yet on this lonely road i walk,
tears are streaming from my eyes, blurring my vision.
Heart's bleeding dry as the pain cuts deeper than any knife.
clutching my fist close to my chest hoping it can somehow soothe the pain.
Soon i finally loose all senses and track of time.
No longer aware of the darkness that surrounds me.
As now i'm completely embraced in it.
Into stage of trance, waiting.