ajuna

kind of confused

2011-04-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

Damn lost ..Wth !!

Should i just move on or stop for a while to know that someone.
Situations around seem so complicated... geeze ......

sigh.... or would it be better for me if i just freeze up my emotion and just be who i am all this while.

Soulmate... is she still lost or have she appeared. i no longer can tell .

♥The saddest song ever written.. And the most beautiful..♥

2010-09-02T13:01:00.000-07:00

Phynn - Hello Love

2010-09-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

11th auG 2010 ~ bad

2010-08-10T13:17:00.000-07:00

fOr the paSt few days ... i'm somehow feelin wierd and lost " maybe "

read a post on facebook by one of my dearest ...straight after that brought tears down unknowingly.

i have never felt like this at any point of my life ...

emotionally unstable.

maybe it's due to the long hours of work without rest ..and the things i see in everyday life....

old lady with very bad back collectin carton with push cart.......

a despression gal breaking down in the middle of no where... the poor bf tryin his best to calm her down...

so many sad things in life all appearin in front of my eyes ....

drained me down completely ... even though i'm fortunate comparing to those people ...
another part of me was infact tellin me ... ending everything would have been the best solution.

i'm drained and for once i admit .... i'm emotionally unstable ..

9th Aug 2010

2010-08-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

hummmm.... shOuld have been a gOod day ... guess i'm totally drained and i can't do anything about it ....

feelin really wierd and down for no good reason ... that i can explain ...

what have i gotten myself to ... i have walked thru this road one too many times to even memories what's it should be all about ...but somehow ...i'm feelin so god damn lost ....

fOr the past few niGhts i have been having funny dreams ....Dreams of i'm flirting witha good friend .... and worst ... next dream i'm kissin someone passionately ... i can't even see who the hell is she ..

had a good sat night with the guest dj , spinning trace thru out ... the boys n me dancin on podium for once .... but ... end of the night was just a ok .. nothing spectacular ....and i have drained myself out totally ...

tOday all the suDden i have the urGed buried in me ... tRying tO Only sPeaks Of what's i'm feElin within ....

tOwaRds my new and Old fRiends ... i'm alWays sincere ..and true ..nvr Once i dOubted anything Or anyone ....

i miGht lay quieT On alOt Of thinGs but that dOesn't mean that i'm plain dumb Or an idiOt .... i'm just beliving On ignorance is blissed ....
i miGht nOt chOse tO cOnfrOnt, simply beCos i rather u tell me ....

when time's uP and i'm .... i will nvR lOok baCk ... ...pls tReasuRe what ever bit Of me that's left ...

fOr i can Only say i wOn't have anythinG left fOr very lOng .

merry Xmas to all - 26th dec 09

2009-12-26T01:18:00.000-08:00

This xmas left me a cold chill from within.

Dwelling on a question i can no longer answer..

Have i really change...
i can feel the changes in me...
everything seems to be so icy and frozen...
is my life birthday wishes coming thru...
Every year i'm always wishing for a heart that's so hard, dark and cold.
so as to not get hurt anymore. That suites the look on my face...

Am i really getting it.

kind of frightens me when i can feel i'm becoming more n more
icy towards alot of things...

Or am i just building an ice castle, keeping myself safe in within.

waiting for my right one to melt my world down ??

what have gone wrong ?

one too many weddin dinner i have attended ?
am i losing faith, that i have live my life so strongly on believing ?

icy cold white xmas....

15th Nov - Unknown

2009-11-15T12:25:00.000-08:00

So many things happen over the last few days ...

Busy with work as new shipment arrived..
well..that's always the case for sales ^^

gonna be pretty tight up for the next 6 weeks..till year end ..

sound like a long time, but guess i'm gonna survive thru as usual.

Well.., lets' sum it up ... what happen last couple of days back ...

- no news from dearest .....

- news breaking up from someone close ...

- someone dear feelin lost, over relationship that's not worth looking back on ....

- so one dear had her sling bag stolen ... - and she's so down - yet we can't do anything to cheer her up .......

- some dear friends' making a whole new mistakes.

- meeting new friends'

- catching up with some old ones'

- Good news of one of the biatch " close buddy - guy -" getting married soon ..^^

- Congrates slutz !! - u have the full blessing of the brotherhood of slutz n biatch !! lol

anyway ... it's a brand new begining of a brand new week ... :p

hope i survive thru all the loads, i'll be carrying ^^

One sentence ... one hell of a week ...

The coming baCk

2009-11-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

It's been a year since last updated.

Well .. basically life was moving so fast that i could hardly pace anymore.

Falling in and out of relation, with just a blink..

Changing of work environment...

Guess nothing stays the same anymore...

Life is moving in such a fast pace, til i hardly able to catch up.

Loosing sleeps at night is no longer new to me.

I can't deny .. i feel lost at times too ...

well always trying to place a balance in life, is just me.

a libra .. but i have grown to learn something ..

i'm a libra with a deadly sting..

Maybe i'm just tired ...

maybe after all this years ..

i really in need of a long holiday.

Away from all this .. once again back into the sea ..
allowing myself to be embrace by mother nature once again .

I miss the sea.

Lookin forward to next year .. hopefully everything will work out just the way it should have been long long time ago.

uNcOnditiOnal lOve

2008-07-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

mY dEarest, hOw havE u bEen lAtelY,
aRe u dOinG weLl ?
hOw wAs uR day, hAve u taKen uR meals ?
aRe u feeLinG finE Of wheRe u Are riGht nOw,
dO hanG in TheRe tilL thE Day i fInd u ya.

AftEr aLl tHesE tIme Of wanDering,
i'm yEt tO fInd my lOve.

i dO knOw shE's sOme whEre OuT theRe,
jUst mayBe the tIme isN't riGht.

lOngIng fOr her wArm huGs Of cOnCern.
i Have tO be sTrOnger Than beFOre.
makIng Sure eveRyDay i'm On thE rIghT pAth.
ThAt wIll One DAy lEad me tO hEr aRms.

liVinG One Day at A tiMe beLivInG anD tRustinG
What's lEft in thiS liFE.

bEinG niCe tO oNe, wiThOut ExPectinG anyThinG in RetuRn.
bEinG tHerE fOr sOmeOne in NeEd, Yet nOt eXpectinG thE Same bAck.
mOst oF aLl my lOve, LovinG u aLl thiS while
withOut ExPectIng tO bE lOve in rEtuRn.

aLl i Can dO nOw is.
tO wait...

It's BeEn aWhilE !! lOl- Date : unknOwn

2008-06-01T14:10:00.000-07:00

Hi friends' ^^,
sOrrY kinD Of held up with liFe ..
lOts have been gOinG on ..
Bz wOrk schedule and heaVy cluBbing,
hehee and aliTtlE bit Of rOmancinG thE moOn.

Whahahah .. guEssS liFe isn'T thAt baD aftEr all,
makes u wOnder at tImes what's lIfe's surprises reaLly
inStall fOr ya !!

well, i tOok mine as it cOmes .. gOod and Bad Ones ..
nOt muCh Of a pRoblem hehee..
*shy maybe aliTtle , but everythings sunny AftEr a gOod niGht Rest.

tHank yOu all thE lOve Ones fOr standinG bY me aLl thiS whiLe ^^
i miGht bE miSsinG in aCtiOn fOr QuiTE a whiLe, bUt nEveR gOnE ya ^^

anYthInG i'm sTill a phOne Call away.

Oh.. fOr clOse friEnds' : TheRe's lOts Of Fake AsSes aRoUnd Us ..
That'S whY i chOse tO mOve On .. aCtualLy waItinG fOr thEm tO sPeak
Of all thE uNtuRe One mOre time .. i mAke a Pay baCk dOuble PriCe. ^^

u knOw me .. hhehee..

MiSs u aLl ...

eRm.. gUesS all thE Past entRiEs disapPeaR fOr a gOod cauSe ^^

ChEers

1st Mar - 7th April 08

2008-04-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

Opps whahaha sorry kind of
too bz with work and life ..
erm.. guess life is usual,
filled with ups' and downs'

Well many things are beyond
the control of man kind though.

Alot of us live a life,
want this to happen, don't want that to happen.

Hey .. guess what .. shit happens ^^

Once u are able to see pass that, u will be
doing fine ^^

Never fail to fill my heart with joy seeing
a dear friend finding their true love.

SueAnn chOo ^^ i am so happy for u
seeing u're living a ur life happier and happier
as each day passes ^^.. hehehee found ur prince charmin ya
Way to go gal ^^

For the rest of us, who's still struggling to find the soulmate

Well don't give up hope ^^
just a matter of time when u meet ur's k

As for me hum..

what ever lol whahahaha

guess time will only tell ^^

Clear Path, The goal - 15th - 28 Feb 2008

2008-02-28T13:24:00.000-08:00

Hey, life kind of speeding up
moving at such fast pace.

Think somehow change me into a
much better person as a whole.

After so many met up with old buddies
during the chinese new year period.

Left a thought that kept me wondering
for the past weeks.

Seeing most of my friends married
and with kids.

Put a smile on my face,
yet left a scar in my heart.

Leaving me in deep thoughts,
what have i been doing all these years.

Burying myself with hatred and
never ending of justice not made.

Had somehow turns me into a runner.

Running away every second i can,
unable to face reality.
Even though i put up a strong outlook.

During this period of time,
i have met lots of new friend
as well knowing friends the 2nd time
of my life, after losing contact for more than 12 years.

To the both of ya, ^^
the 2 lovely princess,

Cindy and Jade

Thank you.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity
of knowing both of u after all this years.

Sorry i yet to recall how i know u and how u look
like when younger. hehee ^^

Along the past weeks,
a dear friend look at me,

and ask me a question that shocked me.

Aj, u seem to be searching for something.

i can't give her any answer, cos people around me
and myself do not and can't come out
with what i'm searching for.

Than she said,
U are searching for the
STRENGTH
the strength that will push u forward
in achieving what u have been aiming for.

Her word left me stunned.
For such a common yet simple word of daily live
i can't even see it.

She woke up a big part of me.
which left me thinking.
Thoughts of things maybe i have
dream of yet never dare admit
or see it.

Thank you, Vanessa for waking me up.
Cheers and may u find the happiness u're
searching for and the career u're aiming at.

Thru' this shortest period of my life
so many things happened.

Sorting out my life,
detailing every steps to be taken,
planning what should be done,
what to face.

Filled up my days for the past weeks.

whahaha i can say one thing.

OmG, so damn drained hehee.
but what the heck,
if it's gonna bring me to where i want.
These are very small things even to mention.

Hopefully i can continue blogging for 3 years.
as i have given myself 3 years to
get out all the shit i'm in and bring myself
to the place i wanna be.

Seeing friends married,
having a kid.

I want my little gal as well ^^
a little princess that i can pamper and
dote whahah think i'm going crazy.

But that will be the ultimate goal
i will be aiming at though.

wish me luck ya.

Stumble upon a friends' blog today.
something that kind of upset me a little.

well people, somehow my past threads
have been taking about relationships.

Keep word in a relation,
is to keep it simple.

Once it's simple.
everything will be perfect.

Dearest, love is something
to give without expecting,
trust without questioning.
always placing urself in
the other party's shoe
of how he/she will feel
goes a long long way.

when met up with problems,
work it out hand in hand.

not pushing the blame
to each other,
or bearing all the faults,
in self conviction.

In love there's no such thing.
If they exist, u might wanna
have second thoughts about everything.

If a break up if such a simple
meaningless words that can be uttered
out at the verge of anger.

without any hesitation,
u ought to really spare some thoughts.

Think about it !

Sorry For the slow updates..
hahah i don't even know,
anyones' reading what i wrote lol
whahah anyway ...

Thank you my friends,
bro's and sis's

for being there.

Lost valentine - 14th Feb 2008

2008-02-14T13:05:00.000-08:00

First Of All,

HaPpY valEntInEs' Day tO all True lOvers.

Wheather is it a true saint day or not,
seems like no one really cares. To many, today's a day lovers celebrating their love for one another. A day to show their appreciation towards each other. ^^ Have any ever wonder,

Would u want a lover that only appreciate u,
Pamper u, and love u on the only one day on 14th Feb
of every other year,

with every other couples showing their love for each other ? ^^ Or are u one that long for everyday of ur life, ur half is treating u like a valentine. First i would sincerely like to apologized to all
in advance if u're offended.

To me,

being able to meet ur half is a blessing in this life. Love isn't just need to be shown to the public
for that one day in the calender year. If there's really love in u, every single day is a valentines day. Not only on the day,
where florist makes their killing
( i wanna have a shop in future myself^^- so take no offence ) When ur poor love is already so tired out from work
or from walking just to get ur present, yet still got to join a long Q just to have dinner with u in a crowded restaurant filled with many other couples. On this day.

- to the gals ^^ :

Does that really make this dinner special ?

- to the guys ^^:

Do u really want a valentine just for this day only ?

If only true hearts' are involve in ur relationship, all this are just too superficial.

What really matter most,
is out of that many people in the world u found each other.

That's the out most importance. That's in fact what valentines' day are meant to be. It's not only on 14th Feb,
u will need to show ur love.

But through out the days of ur life,
every single day should be valentines' day.

Not saying pampering ur love one with flowers and expensive gifts.

But, letting ur feelings made known to each out, how wonderful life have been ever since u found them. Loving, appreciating them of who the are. At any day of the calender year.

i too have been in love and out, one too many times in my life. Learning from each failure of a relationship.

Hopefully to become a better person.

Waiting for my soul mate to appear.

Guess what,

She got lost ..

without a GPS. Whahaha.. i can only tell myself,
have faith in what love's all about, and wait. ^^ Maybe i will find her one day,

maybe i will not ^^.

This is life.

Waiting for my lost valentine. <3

Wonderful - 4th Feb - 13 Feb 2008

2008-02-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

Woah .. whahah haven't been updating much for the past
two weeks, kind of busy with work work n more work.
Chinese new year rush.

Time flies, well frankly i can't really remember the
downs of life during this short period.

Seems like the good n beautiful memories are much worth
remembering.

humm.. is that good or bad,
well, many will say " yeah.. should be living at the brighter side of life"

For me, personally, i treasure both good and bad as much.
Good makes u a happier person though,
But knowing the bad, makes u a better person.

something interesting happen this festive season.
In my whole entire life i have never never ever spent
so much money on clothings.

And this year, i did..
whahah well it sure pinched when i did my calculation.

But, i discover something.
Good or bad whahah i seriously don't know lol.

At the end of the first day,
After a day of shopping along i came home
with like 6 bags of clothings lol
Funny thing is that,
i realized i have turn more like a woman.

I'm actually happy, smiling to myself admiring the
new clothings that i bought, while hanging them up.

whahahaha... i was like OmG .. What the hEll is happening to me lol

Never mind about that, second day was even worst whahah,
when shopping again with a bro, thot will spent less
but in the end, spent as much whahahh
and what's more interesting was,
i was bragging about the new shoes i bought to my mom

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON !!

whaha.. this chinese new year was pretty well spent.

Even though i didn't manage to get too much sleep but all's worth it.

Lots' of catching up with old friends'
as well as new ones ^^.

Ang Paos Ang Paos n Ang paos ..
even though isn't much but it's the luck that came with it^^

Isn't that bad a week i must say ^^.

Thanks to u all you people that makes my life so wonderful.

miss ya all

Busy week - mY pReCiOus - 28th Jan - 2 Feb 2008

2008-02-03T02:06:00.000-08:00

Busy busy busy ..

Seems like this the only words in life for me now

Out of the tight schedule,
whaha i'm blessed to have found myself a treasure,

a bOlster !! my PreCiOus!!
Thanks babe for everything,
atleast my emotional soul
have been comforted since the day i found ya.

Everything else in life still in one piece though.
stress come with every waking hour.
But it's what u looking for in life.

i'm kind of simple,

A good jobs that pays well.
Good friends to share my life thru'

and most of all,
i'm still looking for my soul mate.

hope that she's not lost or i'll have to get her
the lastest GPS device lOl

For the past weeks have been Drink Drank Drunk
still whahah ..

*shanon, i know life is nvr easy.. but no matter what happens in life,
what kind of words or action ur parents shows.
trust me, till the end of time , when all ur friends leave u.
they will still be there for u.
Try not to take it so hard, for everyone live with stress everyday,
difference is just the degree each is being put thru'
and how they cope with it k.

remember something gal,
love with no expectation of being love in return.
Give without any thank u.
when u don't expect,u won't get hurt.

ok sweetiez.. be strong, i know u can..

Strength - 17th - 27th Jan 2008

2008-01-27T01:35:00.000-08:00

Recently many things have been happening,
kind of bz with work and lots of other stuff.

Bonds between friends breaking
Drifting apart because of stupid reasons.

Why must there be so much secrets and lies,
between friends.
No doubt, we live life wearing masks,
to hide away our weakness and fear.

But do remember something,
if we are predestine to meet each other,
and know each other as friends,
it's some kind of blessing.

If ever one day, any of u
ever ever feel that, why is this happening to u .

Do urself a favor by asking what have u done.
how true are to towards ur friends'
If one fine day u woke up to realize everyone's
keeping a distance from ya.

My recent life have been wonderful,
filled with beautiful people around me though.

Getting the care and concern from new friends.

Some interesting notion i would like to share ^^

One new friend asked me this question recently.

hey aj, what are u waiting for,
what's holding u back in everything.

Surprised by her question i told her, i don't know myself.
i know something is not right and missing some where.
and i'm kind of waiting for something, yet not knowing what
is it that i am waiting for.

Just that i know i'm very tired with everything in life.

her answer came a shock to me as she said the common
used words that expressed out what i'm really searching and waiting for.

Strength !!

To my surprise that word hits me like a rock.

A simple word yet holds so much weights.

i'm waiting for the strength to fight,
the strength to motivate everything about me.

For that someone to stand beside me,
giving me all her support and strength to make
life a more wonderful.

whahah .. sad but true,
i can't deny what she said.

she seen thru me.

out of many friends i have met,
only one told me this.

i guess i really need mine this time.

For the reason, i actually thinking of ending
everything once and for all, about a week ago.

So very tired of this life.

Down - 14th - 16th Jan - 2008

2008-01-16T14:18:00.000-08:00

Life being kind,
giving me the opportunity
to know some many nice people
recently.

But somehow, there's something in life
i'm still missing.
kind of feeling a little weird,
though the days are always full of activities
and laughters.

I have no complain for this brand new year.

Just that ...i down with a very bad flu and bad cough.

worst of all, new shipments arrived this 2 days,
with the holidays closing up,
don't think i can afford to have any mc.

Guess i'll be relying alot on all ur prayers
for my well being.

wahhaha.

Friends around me,
have been falling ill,
must be the bad weather of Singapore these days.

For those that are still healthy,
stay that way ya^^.

Oh..
Lyn - dear,
haPpy bIrThDay.

so sOrry i wasn't able to make it today
for ur party.
Hope u really enjOy urself tonight ya.

Giving and taking in life - 13th Jan 2008

2008-01-13T11:42:00.000-08:00

No doubt life's always full of mysteries,
full of uncertainties as well as failures.

Even if the whole world's going against u,
there's no way of giving up.
For not even god can help u,
if u do so.

Giving and taking in life became part of what life
have to go thru' everyday.

In each relation, new or old.
Or even between friends'
there's always a line not to be crossed.

Friends come and goes,
true fact is hurting,
nevertheless new one follows.

It's important, one have to see and
learn what's thy limits of giving and taking as well.

Today, i come across a couple interesting issue
of life.
To those that i love, and for those i treasure u near.

Maybe i'm still learning everyday,
making new mistake,
placing each foot steps at the wrong place
at the wrong time.

If really loving one is so hard,
than i guess no one on this earth are truly in love.

For those that knows me,
knows that, i'm hard to keep.

I truly wish to be the nicest person
u ever meet,
but i let go of things kind of easy as well.

Guess that's my way of giving and taking.

Loving it - 4th-13th Jan 2008

2008-01-13T05:02:00.000-08:00

A brand new year with a brand new starts.

Sure is the case on my side.
Path chosen wasn't easy,
Especially choosing what's worthy and what's not.

Well, kind of glad those days over.

Hell lots of up n downs have been going on,
whaha guess it's for the better .

Through these past 10 days,
glad that i met quite a couple of new friends.
Maybe i should re phase whaha alot !!

Nice people, and sweet babes ^^
glad knowing u peeps.

whahah some of ya might be wandering,
hum.. what's wrong... as my style of writing kind
of different lol.

Well things gotto change right ^^
hopefully for the better.

Humm.. 10 days, alot of things to recall.
basically, days are well spend work work work,
and followed by DRINK DRANK DRUNK !!!

whahaha..

For heart matters'
don't ask me, i'm kind of lost myself.
always trapped within thy questions of heart.

Sad to say,
maybe queen of hearts' not here for me yet.

Well good thing is i come across lots of
PrinCess Of hEartS !!!

luv luv luv !!

Guess, i'm still after all,
a owner of a lonely heart trying to find a place
that i can call home.

3 Cheers to all the blessed lovers out there,
u sure have my full blessing as well as admiration.

i'm loving my life right now ^^

Friends - 1st - 3rd Jan 2008

2008-01-03T12:35:00.000-08:00

Kind of weird,
just third day after the start of brand new year,
encounter some interesting issue.

Friend or friends,
simple short and sweet word.

Hidden beneath it all,
just a pile load of shits.

I'll be kind, since this the third day.

I know, what's going on.
I am aware of what have been said.

Just one more time, my friend.
I swear i'll return u a BIG FAVOR with interest.

Today, i'm fortunate to realized what are friend you are.

For the lines been drawn to those names carved into me.

Test me not,
For i'm no simpleton like all others.

Infact mind games' one of my favorite.

No matter what, at the end of the days,
Actions speaks louder than words.

For now i'll pray to all whatever gods out there.

May you find no peace in whatever u do,
whatever u dream of,
whatever u long for,
and what ever u seeks for.

For those few friends = maybe 4.

What's there stays there - 21st - 31st Dec 2007

2008-01-01T12:44:00.000-08:00

Life's moving way way too fast.

So many ups and mostly downs
seems like the path for this year
wasn't an easy one.

Had my share in the pond of tears,
made a few promises to myself.
Never to look back,
for tomoro will be a better and sunnier day

Known some lovely princess in this life,
i'm much pretty sure u know who u are's
never the less nasty asses, that should have just
been erased by lighting's strikes..
Damn..

Been thru life recently with 3 words.

Drink, Drank, Drunk ..
wahhah

guess there's more to come, but sure am cutting down.

Spend a lovely Christmas eve with a lovely princess,
that leave me a sweet memories of spending a night
of giving and joy with total strangers.

whahaha, gal u sure made this christmas a special one.

Like i told u, kind of weird in how we met,
but i would walk with u till the end of this life
my dear friend.

- Don't u ever dare go mia from me ya.

Life !!

So wonderful if u know where to look and
what to ask for.

So Good bye year 2007 rough sailing though,
but thank you all for being there and walk me thru.

Thank you, u made the best out of a Screwed and fucked up year.

Letting the sun set tonight,
for a new beginning tomoro.

Frozen - 18th - 20th Dec 2007

2007-12-20T13:43:00.000-08:00

Lying there,
enjoying the soft comfort,
of what mother natures' created.
Taking sometime of myself,
wandering..

Life's kind of a little lost on my side.
A mix feeling constantly flowing
through, while i'm awake or asleep.

To some extend i can feel,
somethings missing.
Yet can never pin point to the core.

Maybe it's the weather these days.
Always wet and cold..
That can somehow,
make a person crave for the warm comfort,
that can be found in a lovers' hug.

The warm feeling of being in love
that flows through,
so naturally.

Neither have i lost the faith of
finding my soulmate,
nevertheless am i searching for the right one.

Seems like everything in me just froze.
Can feel that my heart's being sealed up.

Still.. for those that understand me,
knows that.. there's something not right
about me.

What is it, i'm not sure myself.
Am i losing my balance of life?

Have i lost hope totally?
Am i a different person now,
that i don't even know myself anymore?

Answers to those,
might have frozen with what little left of me.

Frozen...

Perceptual anesthesia - 17th Dec 2007

2007-12-17T08:40:00.001-08:00

- To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia !!!!

Came across this sentence from a friend,
it's so true.

Practically staring blankly at this page,
lost.. not knowing what to write about.

Guess i'll try write something out of this.

Crowded walkway,
Filled with strangers.

Walking shoulder to shoulder,
brushes against each other.

A silent message being pass through
Taking comfort of each existence.

An unspoken truth hidden beneath,
as many have not found what
they have been searching for.

Taking comfort from another,
subconsciously wishing for a shoulder
to lean on,
someone there to care for,
or to be sheltered by one's love.

The young, old, fat, thin
ugly, beautiful, kind and cruel.

All need their daily dosage of
anesthesia..

Keeping them numb and warm with what
life's painted for them.

Numbing themselves away with comfort.

Leaving them feeling high at the state
of subconsciousness.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia !

just a simple sentence,
yet carries so much weight.

Thank You- 11th - 16th Dec 2007

2007-12-16T10:56:00.000-08:00

All my life i have u,
standing beside me at times
of good and bad.

Ur always there, sharing my joy
and my tears.
Being my mentor, and my preacher
hearing me out at every of tracks of life.

Today i would like to take this opportunity
to thank all the fellow knights and princesses
in my world.

For being there all this while.
i live a life of no regrets for in this life,
i have all of you.

Walking down the road of think and thin with.
My dearest, you have me in ur life too ya,
never forget to call upon me if u ever needed me
to be around.

May we live this fruitful life to the max,
just having all of u, side by side.

Thank You.

Dreams - 10th Dec 2007

2007-12-10T11:41:00.001-08:00

Days kind of weird for the past week.

As memories of the past, present and future
collides.

Leaving nothing but a tear drop.

Old wounds seem to hurt at the mercy of
the cold weather.

Bring more lonely nights to the heart.

Yet, i need to move on in life.

A life never seem real,
for everything appears so fake.

A contradiction of what i believe in.

Never here nor there.

When i'm asleep..
only do i wish i will never wake up
from the beautiful dream i'm in.

Casting away all sorrows,
holding on to non heart breaking memories,
just being lifted by a sensational feeling
of what love should be all about.

For i can only find what i'm looking for,
in land of my dreams.

Dreams for reality.

Go watch this link

2007-12-09T00:48:00.000-08:00

For all of ya,
that's always feeling so lost.

Do urself a favor,
go watch this link

http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docId=5547481422995115331&hl=en-CA

interesting, yet so true

The price - 25th Nov 2007

2007-11-25T12:57:00.000-08:00

Everything in life happens for a purpose,
good things or the bad.

Accept them and face it with courage.
Making right choices are important.

As when a shower of concern is being shown,
or given to you,
it's yours to keep.

Having faith,
knowing you are strong enough,
to face with all odds of what life brings.

For that instant,
maybe i have way too much hope and trust in u,
seeing u gonna pulled off just fine.

Guess i was totally wrong.

There's nothing much left to be said,
for what's shown to me,
thy action, thy speech are just a shit loads of craps.

Doing right whiles' it's wrong takes courage,
guess he's nothing but just a wimp,
taking of full advantage when opportunity arrives.

As for the one.
I'm neither a saint nor a pastor,
but i have never blame on what u bring,
for it's you,
thats' gonna bear the full consequences of
the whole new mistake u just made.

Choice, is an action over wants.
Made it wisely.
For the price's to pay will be high.

Never will i ever or did look down on ya,
for it's not for me to judge.
I can only be there,
at times of needs.

May you find the peace,
the peace that u have been longing for.

Fork of life:

Even till now,
forks of life been place in front of me,
yet i have not make a choice of which road to take.

For;

When the coldness of the nights creeps in.
Tempting me,
clouding my mind,
offering warm for the lonely soul.

Still, i stood still.

Nights came,
as the sound of the forest,
slowly dying off.

Mist of confusion,
blown in,
stealing away every sensible thoughts,
leaving only deceptions and lies behind.

Be true and be strong.
Make no harsh decision.

For no one can help you,
if you don't help urself.

Standing firm,
in the winter's night.

Cold chills down my spine,
holding on to nothing,
just a mere faith of what i believe in strongly.

Faith of finding,
what's been lost long long time ago.

It might be forever,
but time's never the issue.

If i'm living a life,
gonna be filled with nothing,
but full of regrets and heart breaks.

There's a price to pay.

The long walk - 20th-24th Nov 2007

2007-11-24T01:30:00.000-08:00

So tired after a long walk,
many unforeseen things happening
in the shortest time.

Things of good and bad,
all come as a package.

Mind's set but heart's still
having doubts.

Even though,
life's already moved on
but memories we once shared
still flashes.

Though there's many good
happenings in life,
seems like times' of lost memories
were treasured most.

The walk seems endless,
each steps i take,
is never bringing me nearer to
where i'm heading.

The light at the end of the road
looks so beautiful,
painted with hope, and warm.

Warm, that we all long for,
being hold on to and treasure by the other,
giving the fuels to light up our life.

All my life.. i'm still trying to reach there.
It's hard, painful and tiring.

Guess, that's what make one appreciative
of what they have at the end.

Every little rough patches of life
is a preparation of a beautiful beginning.

May this be the last of mine.

Be found - 19th Nov 2007

2007-11-19T10:27:00.000-08:00

Scented air around,
nights chilled.

Feeling the warm air embracing me,
cocooning with such gentle and tender touch.

So many questions in my mind,
but answer to non.

Coming to a peace with my heart,
missing so dearly,
yet no longer lonely.

Life's changed,
path of life altered.

Though forks of life not chosen,
it's still there.

Leaving my carcass,
as my soul,
drifted away.

Taking flights,
to a place i'm not familiar with.

Images blurred and diminishing.
Everything so light and painless.

Experiencing a new form of trance,
carrying thy weak soul,
so gently and passionately.

Till i'm once again,
be found.

In love, we trust -18th Nov 2007

2007-11-18T21:03:00.001-08:00

What makes life worth holding on to,
is when u found someone u really love.

A feeling both treasures,
an exchange of hugs and kisses.

On days that are all heated up,
days when it's really cold.

Comforting each others,
with the warm flowing from each other.

Let the world evolving at her own pace,
not affecting by what's happening in the real world.

A world filled with so much deception and lies.
a world so ugly and cruel.

yet..

Lovers living in world of dreams and promises,
assuring and appreciating each existence.

Holding hands,
inter-locking their life with each fingers'.

Leaving no space for doubts.
never to let go.

nevertheless,
journey maybe tough,
but there's no impossibility,
in the name of love,
we trust.

May u find the happiness,
u're searching for, for so long.

For all the dreamz and promises,
we live in.

The change - 14-17th Nov 2007

2007-11-17T12:02:00.000-08:00

Hours clicked pass,
just like river flows.

Holding on to nothing,
as she washes away everything.

This is how i felt though,
the pass few days was living hell.

Alot of things need to be sorted out,
straightening every single detail
in life wasn't easy.

Wearing a mask day after day
pretending everythings' gonna be ok.

For god sake,
i wasn't born a saint,
either am i that generous
when it comes to certain thing.
I might be an arch angel to the people
i care for.
I'm a fall dark angel for those
i hold grudges on, the devil whom u
will wish u never met.

Through last few days of soul searching,
come across a phase,

this is how it goes;

And lO,
thE bEaSt lOokEd upOn thE faCe Of beAuty..
and bEaUty sTayEd hiS hanD,
AnD frOm thAt dAy fOrwArd,
hE wAs aS OnE DEaD

Stop for that moment,
finding it so familiar,
is it a reflection of my life.
Or is it a msg from my guardian angels'
that's watching over me.

This shortest period of life,
i traveled through,
taught me couple of things.

Feeling a rush within me,
changing me into a whole new
person i've never met.

Hearts tearing apart,
leaving me no other choice
but to face the new me.

Maybe it's time i get the change,
for a heart and personality to match
my look.

What ever the result might be,
may god be mercy with my soul.

Please be wary,
for i've come to collect ur's

Hope - 13th Nov 2007

2007-11-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

Sitting in the dark,
surround by silence.

I have been lifted,
by the air around me.
Gently caress,
giving soft assurance.
Thru the hectic hours of life,
when everything seems so grey.

Going against the whole world,
and worst of all,
endless battle between myself.

I felt the love,
the warm feeling flowing towards me.
Through the cold weather,
it's you that kept the dying flame inside me
burning.

I have come across many beautiful things in life,
but thru' all these years,
this the only beautiful word i came across.

Hope, a simple word.
Yet every single soul,
clinging on to, so dearly.

If one can read the thoughts of another,
hope is what they will find.

Even though, i have fallen
pass the point of no return.
A feeling so strong within me,
burning away all despairs,
preventing me from giving up on faith.
So simple yet i can't simply put out in words.

Faith in you kept me going,
trying once again to spread
my wings.

Slowly, lifting myself,
little by little off the unholy ground.

I might have failed this time,
but never will i be laid decaying at the
endless pit of life.

Chaining down myself for eternity,
in darkness i got so used to.

One day, i will break those chains.
carrying the name i learn,
to the place where dreamz come thru.

I can feel my wings once more.

Nadine - 12th Nov 2007

2007-11-12T11:34:00.001-08:00

A word that's so beautiful,
to a person like me.

Lost in world of reality,
and fantasy.

Never to be awaken,
yet it tinkles' a sound so comforting.

Leaving the slightest warm,
in thy heart,
that have long forgotten.

For a simple word,
where it's true meaning is more
than anyone can imagine.
Holds the power,
to all who dares to dreamz.

A beautiful word.

A beautiful name.

Dreamz - 11th Nov 2007

2007-11-12T10:02:00.001-08:00

Weathers been bad recently,
more or less it does affect my mood.

There's still this scent in the air,
scent of mixed feelings.

For those in love,
the scent smell sweet n comforting.
Feeling the warm of ur love one beside
in the cold cold night.

As for those lonely soul,
well the scent brought despairs,
lonely hearts crying out in the dark.
Feeling no warm,
but chilled down mine spine.

Look into the mirror,
i see pass beyond what's reflected.
No longer i see myself.
For my eyes, filled up with tears.
All i see is blood,
flowing out from my heart,
with no visible cut insight.

Asking myself,
why does it always hurt so much,
is it the deeper u fall,
the deeper it cuts.

Maybe it's love at first sight,
from the day i saw you,
that day you made my head turn.
No longer i can resist,
but fallen to point of no return.

Having a pair of wings,
that doesn't recall how to fly.
Falling deeper, deeper and deeper.
till the surrounding turns pitch black,
feeling nothing but cold.

In pure darkness i can only silently for.
A place,
where dream comes true.

The wait- 9-10th Nov 2007

2007-11-11T12:27:00.000-08:00

There's nothing that can express,
how i'm feeling except this picture.

Alone in a world where i don't belong.

Dearest,
nothing in this place,
is more important than u.

Silence of the night - 7-8th Nov 2007

2007-11-08T22:05:00.000-08:00

Strange feeling fills the air.
Somehow in the dark i stood,
things are somehow different.

There's a sense of strangeness
that can't seem to be explained.

Neither empty,
nor filled with rainbows.

Cool breeze carries a scent,
a scent appears to be so comforting
for lovers in love.
But appears so remorseful to those
that are so lost in love.

Here i sat,
facing the intersection of life,
with paths fork out,
yet lost.. not knowing which path to walk.

Letting the silence of the night,
clearing my mind.

Away with all doubts,
away with all dejected feeling.
Feeling of being so so lost.

Wings spread yet can't take flight.
Trapped in this world,
as ankle been binded by a chain.
For the heart is no longer in place.

This i pray -4th-6th Nov 2006

2007-11-06T13:17:00.000-08:00

Guess passing comments' just natural,
anyway it's been century since human starts talking.

Nothing good comes out from a person's mouth,
after while.
Tell tales, yap yapping becomes so common,
that it became normal day activities.

Who are we to stop all the talking,
human before us have already died trying,
so why even try.

As long as one conscious' clear,
like what i always say " why bother, why ask?"

Isn't that true. haix..

It's not the devils that slay us,
it's us, that slay ourself.

Nothing have been more beautiful than
to be able to be with the one i treasure most.

Waited for days after days,
hoping to see u.

Nothing last, for shit happens.
Beautiful most treasured time,
didn't turn out well after all.

I wasn't born a saint.
Neither did i even get close of becoming one.

My dearest,
whatever the cause or fault lies.
I'll put myself on the cross.

The thin thread that binds me to this real world,
snapped.

Fated, i now live a life worst than ever.
U won't know the pain,
when one closest to ur'e heart have doubts.

I'm sorry.

Deep in my heart,
i felt an anger that burn so strongly.
Feeding away every sanity left.
Placing myself at the edge of erupting,
not knowing why,
or maybe i do know why.

Praying i'll be able to suppress it,
deep down into me.

Lay buried till the end of time.

This i pray.

In my dream - 3rd Nov 2007

2007-11-05T02:24:00.000-08:00

Strange, but recently i have been asking.
The question that's been in my heart for so long.
As i stand still in the world of darkness,
feelin so cold for the longest time.
sensing no warm.

Tried starting a fire,
but the match just won't light.
Tried stuffing myself with dead leaves,
but on rocks i see.

In life, there's too many uncertainties,
why am i faced with the matters' closest to heart.

When night falls,
the only comfort i seek,
is dreaming of u.

Holding u closest to my heart,
allowing non to hurt u,
misleading u with lies,
pictures they paint so perfect.

A soft peck on ur forehead,
silently assuring u,
everything gonna be ok.

Even when the whole world,
turn against u,
be sure.

i'll be there,
just for u.

Even in my dream,
i'm always there for u.

Vanishing - 2nd Nov 2007

2007-11-03T14:27:00.000-07:00

It's believe that love knows no limit.
Guess it's just all wrong and,
just made believe.

We live in different time,
separated by a different dimension.
No one wants to see us together,
reasons they know best.

I pray silently into the night,
for them share the same fate,
walks the same path in their near future.

It's true love is never fair.
As loving a person is purely from deep within.

Non actually bother to find out the answer why,
maybe it's just too realistic.

Lovers live in world of fantasy.
Sharing good and bad along the way.
Learning, discovering and appreciating,
each other's faults along the way.

Dearest, i know loves' never fair,
never a day i complain it's unfair.

Yet constantly assuring u as days passes,
everything just beautiful as it is.
Never did i asked for anything more,
but just for the smile i once fell in love with,
that was lost.

If only there's a contract,
my life for ur smile,
and my soul for ur love.

I might have already sold mine.
Till that day arrive,
my dearest.. i'll still be here.

I'm slowly vanishing away.

Missing - 1st Nov 2007

2007-11-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

My hearts dying,
my souls crying.

As i stood in the dark,
missing u.

The wait - 31th Oct 2007

2007-10-31T13:11:00.000-07:00

One's life filled with many regrets,
the only different is,
will one repeat it over n over again.

Some view regret as bad.
Well i look at it as,
something that hurts hell alot,
and left a big cut.
Wounds that heals,
yet scars always remains.
Scars that reminds u not to repeat ur mistake,
but try to remember n not do it again.

All this life, i love whole heartedly.
Still my soul mate's not here.
I treasure each one relations,
deep in me,
as they are only memories left.

For now, i have learn how to love.
Love without asking anything in return.
For the happiness lies in loving a person,
remains a mystery.

Others may view me as,
i'm totally losing it.
Have i gone nuts.
Well.. when one knows the feeling,
they will say nothing but just smile.

True enough, when u're in love,
makes u feel like sunshines shinning upon u.
Even on the darkest raining day.
One's mood no longer belongs to themself.
But to the person they chose and hold dearest to.

My love, i may appear to be strong.
i may appear to be cheerful,
but at the end of the day,
it's ur warm smile and hugs,
that i need most.
To warm me up from within,
recharging me with full plague energy,
to face what ever lies ahead.

I know love's never fair.
One's always being love more than the other.
And in return, u may be taken for granted.

Our worlds' so far apart.
Our life's so different.
And i know i'm scare at times.
Afraid of losing myself totally.
For i already know,
i have long pass the line of return.

Now i stand alone,
by the cliff, tied by a thin thread of silk.
That's the only line i have holding me,
between the bottomless fall and life.

There, i stood clinging on.
Clinging on to what i believe in so strongly,
all my life.
Just waiting for your love.

Dearest, i'm waiting.

-Fallen Arch angel-

Forgiven - 30th Oct 2007

2007-10-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

Forgive me

Am i taking the easy way out.
I'm kind of lost myself.

For i am convincing myself,
no matter how bad life turns out.
i have tried my best.

Forgive me, i have fallen for u.

Forgive me, u're more important than i am.

Forgive me, u're the sunshine of my life.

Forgive me, my smiles for u.

Forgive me, for loving u.

Forgive me, u're the happy pills of my life.

Forgive me, i'm who i am.

Forgive me, for losing hope.

Forgive me, as i'm losing myself.

Forgive me, for letting u go.

Forgive me, as my heart bleeds for u.

Forgive me, my tears dropped for u.

Forgive me

Forgive me

Forgive me

Forgive me ..

For i really love u.

Time - 23th - 29th Oct 2007

2007-10-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

Lost track of time.
Found myself walking in circle.
Unable to find the way out.

Time stop for no one,
yet i'm trapped in it.

No matter how far i tried to look,
i can see anything.
No matter how hard i tried to listen,
i hear nothing.
Trapped in space,
losing my body and leaving my mind in trance.

Weightless, as i float.
feels no ground where i stand.
My heart hold a sense of a lost child.

In darkness,
i became weak.
Holding up too long,
putting up a strong self.

Finally i found relieve.

Allowing darkness,
embracing me tightly.
Forgotten the feeling.
The warm feeling that was long lost.

Maybe, for too long i have search.
Searching for something that maybe,
doesn't exist in this world of illusions.

Just maybe, my wait was fruitless.

Losing myself more and more each day as
i walk this tiring and straining life.

I walk - 22th Oct 2007

2007-10-30T08:35:00.000-07:00

Life's been full of ups' n downs'.
Never ending issues to look into.

One can only feel so short of time,
when everything seems rushes pass.

Fighting with the lost hope,
feeling of giving up.
Maybe i have reach the point of breaking.

Once the saying goes,
when u reach the break point.
There'll be no return.

Today i place myself at the point.
At this point of life,

too many fakes,
too many talks,
too many selfishness
too many insecurity.

Today i walk.

I walk my path alone.

The Journey - 21st Oct 2007

2007-10-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

Days seem to pass with just a blink.
Good times flashes pass so quickly.
Yet bad times lingers on like times' never ending.

Walk a path discovering many things in life.
As what life's always made of,
there's good and bad.

Everyone always seems to try forget the bad,
and remembering the good.
Somehow i learn to treasure to good,
and remember the bad.

From good,
u can only hold on to the wonderful memories.
From the bad,
u can learn a precious lesson learned.
An experience, u will bring down with u,
together with the good to ur last breath on earth.

Looking through my past life,
yet i have not chosen a path,
a path that appear in forks of life
right before my eyes.

I have traveled so far,
still i feel, i'm lost.
The feeling of,
in search for a sacred place i can call my own.

Are there anyone that can hear my screams.
Screaming in silence,
breaking all bearers.
No one answers.

When night falls,
as darkness filled the skies.
Stars not shinning.
Silver lining of tear drops streaming from my eyes,
eyes that can no longer see,
the kindness of a lovers plead.
Only carrying the burden,
of a shattered heart.

The journey i walk.

The running - 20th Oct 2007

2007-10-21T02:32:00.002-07:00

Seems like the long walk,
have somehow..craved me into a different person.

something in me grew hard.
Lost of faith in what i believe in once.
Now .. just seems to unreal.

Still i'm faced with forks of path infront,
but i just stood there.
Not wanting to chose any.
For i'm afraid.

Felt a tinkle sense of my soul,
leaving my shell,
floating above all.
Hoping to see things clearer.
Than what's my clouded mind have been stained.

Guess for once i'm running,
running away trying to find refuged.
sheltering myself away from all odds.

One day...

2007-10-21T02:32:00.001-07:00

Losing - 19th Oct 2007

2007-10-21T02:27:00.000-07:00

As i continue my walk,
different fork leads to different road.

Came to my stop,
Now i'm faced with forks of life leading
to different path.
Stood there, wondering hard.
Still at lost not knowing which path i should take.

For once i kept everything to myself on how i felt.
Not even myself knows the answer now.

Maybe i'm slowly losing faith.
Faith that i so strongly believe in.

Just pray for a light that will shine the way for me.
Maybe i'm praying for the impossible.

Sighz....

Make known - 18th Oct 2007

2007-10-21T02:22:00.000-07:00

The knot that tied all the questions and doubts,
have finally been untied.
Felt ease inside me, a sense of relief,
afraid of so many things,
losing you is what frightens me most.

Guess one day i do have to face it though.
for now i still walk my path,
the path i strongly believe in.

Only pray every single night,
i see you, at the end of my walk.

missing u

Rain's Over - 17th Oct 2007

2007-10-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

Suddenly, rain clouds' gone.
Air smells sweeter after the rain.
Seems to have washed away all unhappiness of life.
Still i never look up the sky for a rainbow.
Neither did i wish for one,
For i'm feeling the warm in me,
even though i'm all soaked up.

As i begin to walk down the path,
somehow, i felt lighter.
maybe most of my worries and sorrows have been washed away.
Or just maybe the freshness of the air,
have somehow clean me up.

A light smile, tinkle from my face.
Lines of pain no longer visible.
Today, i walk afresh.
Enjoying the feeling of freedom.
Freedom from all worries and insecurity.

I hold no longer to the blames i imposed on myself,
For there's only hope i can see.
Hope of walking this lonely path,
to the dim light that shines from far away.

No doubt the journey might be tough,
nevertheless no one said it is going to be easy.
For i have you, from deep in within.

I place my first step out.
only to feel lighten up.

The rain - 16th Oct 2007

2007-10-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

Ever since i open my eyes,
the skies been dark and cold.
Rain drops hitting hard on my face.
Leaving no stain behind,
just carrying along with them my tears.

Seems like mother nature's felt my pain.
A sense of relieve,
came along with the rain.
Knowing i'm not the only one's tearing.

As i walk down the dark lonely path.
A mix feeling of sorrow and hollow,
rushes within me.
Put me to a stand still in the rain,
with mind blank.
Lost in a confused state.
Leaving me in trance.
Floating of into another dimension,
leaving my carcass behind.

Maybe this what a person feels when they die.
Weighing lighter than any air,
floating away from their shell.

Mental death came over me,
leaving my mind so free.
Emotional death calls upon me,
promises eternal bliss.
Physical death refrain me,
telling me it's not my time.

Left me wandering,
does soulmate really exist.
For once in this life time,
i have doubts in everything.

Life seems to be filled with lies,
empty promises and heart aches.
Words loses it's trust value,
for too many had spoken.
Love holds no value,
for too many have taken for granted.

Life contains way too many uncertainties,
for one to have doubts.
Nature have the art of moving in circles.
What comes around,
goes around.
As they may say.

My tears may flows for you,
but never i would look forward to the day,
someone's tears drop for me.

When i close my eyes,
i wish u were here.
When i feel cold,
i only wish you are warm.
When i'm sad,
i pray only for you to be happy.

That's what you ever meant to me.

The first day - 15th Oct 2007

2007-10-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

Sky turns dark, weather's cold.
As the rain hits my face, my heart aches.
the coldness that i felt,
was freezing from within.

As i walked down the path in darkness,
i felt nothing but emptiness.
Dragging through the broken glass path,
yet feel no pain.
Numb to the state of awareness.

Clinging on to the slightest hope that,
i'll see you.
Actually brought light to my eyes.

As every second and minutes passes,
i'm fading away with time.
Soon the light of my eyes turns grey.
Black and white painted my world.
Everything i touch withers.
Every hope i dream of crumple to dust.

Looked up to the sky,
hoping to see a star shinning down on me.
But found none.

It's late now,
there's a long silence in the air.
The only sound can be heard,
Was the crying out,
of my torn heart.

Songs of agony,
Fills the air,
Only bring tears to my eyes,
as my heart bleeding itself dry.

Today - 14th Oct 2007

2007-10-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

Today i remember the days of my dives.
Sinking deeper down into the abyss,
hearing nothing but just my heart beat,
surround by the echo of my breathing.
Looking around seeing nothing.
Everywhere i turn just me,
sinking slowly and deeper.
Just like where i am right now,
sinking deeper and deeper into deep thoughts.
Feeling lost? Feeling all alone?
Well i can't answer any of that though.
No doubt, i felt something missing somewhere.
Somethings' just not right, why am i feeling this way?
Have i gone too deep? Too deep to a point of no return?
Leaving me puzzled, i know my limits and where i'm at.
Nights after nights i have confide with myself,
what should i do.
Come to a conclusion, and learned to love without
expecting any in return.
Am i happy? i know i feel whole even from a simple sms,
or a short call.
Those action never failed to put a smile on my face,
or even lighting my heart.

Today, my style of writing is kind of different.
maybe, it's just that..i longer know how to express
my thoughts, everything just went blank.
Felt a sharp pain, yet i'm still feeling lost.
Too many thought flashing through my mind.
Too many sharp pain piercing through my heart.
Too busy clutching my fist close to my heart.

After so long, i have learned love's a wonderful thing.
When a couple, take time to appreciate one another,
taking the opportunity given to learn from each other.
Simply love each other for whom they are and
not what they are made of.

Is loving a person so difficult.
Yes and no.

Yes : Loving a person is difficult,
- when u expect too much for one.
- when u love for what they are make of,
and not what they are.
- When u wanna love them just to own them.
- when u love urself more than the other.
- when all u think about is ur feeling.
- many more.. i'm not gonna say too much,
for i have learn each one of them the hard way

No : Loving a person is easy
- when u love her more than urself.
- when u love her of what she is all about.
- when everything she does, puts a smile on ur face.
- when u love her without any expectation.
- when u feels good by just loving her.
- when u only care for her feeling.
- when u place her infront of everything else.
- when, it's her that u wanna wake up with.

Am i in love, i can only say..
i'm caring for someone more than myself,
the thoughts of her,
place a smile on my face,
her voice calms my heart.
when i see her tears,
it tears my heart.
when i don't hear from her,
i'm lost in abyss.
Never been able to know whether,
am i awake or am i still asleep.

For that someone special.

No matter what u do,
u have my full backing.
No matter what happen,
i'm always behind u.
No matter when and where,
i'm always 30 mins away from u.

i guess i'll be missing u.

Love is so simple, there's not much complication.
Biggest complication lies in humans.
Love with no expectation.
Only for ur smile.

Hell Freezes - 13th Oct 2007

2007-10-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

I felt that i walking in burning path of hell's gate.
But yet it felt so cold..
my body shivers, my heart's so cold.
In hell where fire burn deep,
here i stand feeling cold.

Hell freezes.

Guess this the worst, one have to go thru'.
Walking in hell yet feeling the coldness chills down ur spine.

There's a kind of unexplainable aches in my heart.
A sharp pain piercing through.
Felt something warm flowing,
thought i bleed.
Only to realized that,
tears dropping from my eyes.

As i walked deeper.
The unbearable pain is no longer,
from physical wounds.
But the coldness of one that i treasure.

Here i stand in middle of a freezing hell.
Still waiting..

The beginning - 12th Oct 2007

2007-10-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

The beginning of what's lost.

The walk seems long.
Breathing seems hard.
growing weaker as each day passes.

Today i felt the full plague of what life gonna be in the dark.
Uncomfortable yet ironically i have to face it.
The coldness i'm not used to though,
moreover it's sent the chills down my spine,
like hell freezes over.

Something's lost,
yet maybe certain thing's gain.
Life seems so harsh on me,
Feeling rejected and dejected..
decision have to come to a stand still on,
what's right, what's wrong.
Yet this only the beginning of everything.
Good or bad, no one knows

maybe .. just maybe i won't live till that day
to know the answer.

The struggle - 11th Oct 2007

2007-10-12T15:39:00.000-07:00

Been walking aimlessly in the dark.
For so long, never before i felt so lost.
Doesn't seem to know myself now.

Guess that always happens,
when you go too deep into anything.

Every steps are filled with doubts and insecurity.
Physical pain no longer hurts,
emotionally damage.

Thought the path lighten up as i walked deeper,
vision becoming visible guess i was wrong.
Trapped too long in my world of darkness,
Losses all senses.

Struggling with what ever strength left.
Just waiting to be found,
and for once have the feeling of being love again.

So many uncertainties,
so many confusion.
Makes the journey difficult and painful.

Struggling.... searching for you.

The mist - 10th Oct 2007

2007-10-11T05:58:00.000-07:00

Path grew misty, covering all vision.
Forgotten the fact,
that i'm in the world of darkness all this while.
Still trap within my shell,
unable to break free.
Free from all senses.
Unbearable pain cuts like a million thorns of roses,
piercing my bleeding heart.
Trapped in deep thoughts.
Yet unable to put them out in speech,
for the words are not from my mouth,
but from my heart.

Memories of the past, flashes through time.
slashing me away slowly.
No longer have the strength,
mentally, emotionally and physically..
to move on.

As i lay there, time seem to come to a stop.
Soft whisper from the wind's,
only reminds me i still falling in the endless pit.

The glow at the end of the walk,
grew smaller and smaller.
As i fall deeper and deeper.
Given up on faith,
of seeing you at the end of the path.

Heart's breaking and faith lost along the way.

The rain - 9th Oct 2007

2007-10-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

There's a saying goes like once the rain's over
u will get a rainbow.

In my life, i have been waiting for the rainbow to form.
Many a days i have been walking in the rain.
More like i've already grew used,
to the chill water droplets falling on me.
Never did i dare look up the sky for a rainbow.
It's not that i can't face reality, but isn't it true,
If u don't expect anything in return,
even if u don't get anything back u're not disappointed .

Some might say that's a easiest way of running from reality.

But to me, i feel that's the best way to face it herself.

It's the same theory as,
when u love u love whole heartedly.
But the different is when u love someone whole heartedly,
and not expecting anything back in return.
U are actually a happier person,
for u don't face disappointment.
If the one u love, felt something towards u
and love u in return, wouldn't that makes u the happiest person.

Life is always full of uncertainties and mysteries.
Especially when it comes to that big word LOVE.

No doubt in my life i have love quite afew.
Never have i regretted loving any,
no matter how bad it ends.

Today i treasure a special someone.
Even though the impossibilities are so much higher
than possibilities.
But that doesn't change anything in life.
The most important thing is i'm happy.

Yes true enough there's always dark clouds,
covering the skies above me.
But what different does it makes if u're life in darkness

Guess i'm waiting in the rain for a while.
just maybe one day the rainbow will shine above me.

just maybe.

The Loner- 8th Oct 2007

2007-10-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

Being lonely isn't something i am afraid of.
Seems like i have been accustom to it.
No it's not a easy escape of life,
more likely a better grip of knowing oneself better.

For some reasons, my walks this life hasn't been very smooth.
Till this day, no matter how tough life gets, i have never given up.
For the simple reason i always believe in,
Once u have got through the toughness of life,
Life craved u to become a better person.

No doubt i have once love so truly and dearly,
every relation i have gone through,
holds no doubt, purely out of love.

Every memories, good or bad.
I hold on to dearly deep within me,
The only treasure i value other than you.

Stuck in deep trance stage,
asking and questioning with the odds.
Seems like i have lost my way,
every steps i walk, i'm lost deeper into the darkness.

Will i see the light, at the end of this walk?

The weight - 7th Oct 2007

2007-10-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

Carrying the memories of yesterday.
So how felt heavier than before.

The reason : unknown

Is it because i have learn and seen too much in life.
Can it be the reason i have once loved so dearly.
Or simply i'm just tired ?

Now, i just wanna close my eyes and,
let the darkness embrace me completely.

I thought i saw the light at the end of the path.

Guess i was wrong.

Maybe it's just the tear forming at the corner of my eye.

Am i losing myself - 6th Oct 2007

2007-10-06T13:14:00.000-07:00

Open my eyes, i sense u're not around.
First thing that came to me was,
am i losing myself.

I felt so lost, hysterically search every corner,
in darkness sweeping thru the ground which
is covered by broken glasses.

Sense no pain, but feeling in need to hold u again.

Nights grew cold, colder than it was once.
Maybe it's because my heart's slowly dying away.
Giving up what i treasure most even in my dying breath.

Am i losing myself..
Whispers from darkness,
keep reminding me i have change.
Rage is always at the tip of my grip,
as what they say.
Have i really change?

Maybe i have, for i have chosen a path that's laid with broken glasses.
But as i walked down this road,
i'm not sensing any pain,
but the joy of rediscovering what i have long lost.
The joy of knowing i have u always by my side.
Even though we are far away,
far away.. maybe of different dimension of life.

Have i lost myself.

The swing - 5th Oct 2007

2007-10-06T06:10:00.001-07:00

Holding on to the believe.
Crying in darkness.
All i have left in my arms,
is you.

In my heart are only the memories left.
What i treasure are the times when u're
beside me.

No doubt we are far.
But the feeling's so warm.
No matter how bad and cold the day is,
doesn't matter once i have u beside me.

You made me smile,
you warm my lonely soul,
you show me, a reason to exist in this world.

It's you that i found joy for all this short months,
even we are so far apart.

Not a day i don't miss you,
not a day i stop loving you,
not a day i never care for you.

With all these, yet not a day i didn't stop telling myself
the impossiblities of us.

Dearest, it's a beautiful
Just having u around,
it's a life of darkness with colors brightening it.

Guess this the swing,
weather changes the mood one one as the saying goes.

Till that day arrive, i will still be here.

The mood - 4th Oct 2007

2007-10-04T10:49:00.001-07:00

When i open my eyes, she's no longer in my arms.

Everything Felt so lost.
Feeling the Chill down my spine, even there's no wind.
Surround by dry air, yet i felt dampen.

The glow she carries in her smile was lost.

My world ..... gone, lost.

There's no me today.

The meeting - 3rd Oct 2007

2007-10-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

My senses came back to me, unfamiliar yet comforting.

It's been so long, since i have felt this way.
Somethings that was long lost, never thought...
Yet i found it in u.

It's glowing as if, trying to show me the way.
Dim light flickering, as she floats around me.
Finally i understand what she's trying to tell me.
Floating to a rest on my shoulder, realizing the danger she's risking.

Trying to guide me out of the sheer darkness of life.
Swallowing all beauties and calmness life have to offer.
Yet.. she's risking all that just trying to lead me out.

My heart starts to ache.
Feeling the saddens that have being building up all these years i had fallen.
Just by knowing, there's still one exist.

There, i made a promise to myself.
Never in this life i will let any harm come to her,
for i think i finally found what i have being looking for.

As i pulled myself up to my stand.
The unbearable pain just keep coming, cutting deeper n deeper.
Knowing and aware of all the odds of life against all possiblities.

Pull up a strong front. yet every bit of my heart are tearing.
As i saw the invisible chain, that binded her down.
Unable to break away, from the darkness that have kept her in all these years.

Wondering what's she doing for there's a more beautiful life for her.
Tears drops from my eyes as i realize that,
the chain was binded out of pure compassion for other.
Placing others more than her little tiny self in the cold lonely world of darkness.

My heart shatters.
Unable to explain the pain.
For it cuts more than what i have learn to accept.

The darkness suddenly felt so peaceful and quite,
so inviting for i can never see the lines or the tears from her eyes.
I just embraced her softly in my arms.
Loving her gently.

There i closed my eyes.

The Wait

2007-10-02T12:21:00.000-07:00

The long wait - 2nd Oct 2007

In the dark, though i can't feel any familiar senses.
But deep in me, i hold on to the precious memories of my life so dearly.
No doubt, sweet bitter mixed.
It's the love that kept me going all this years.

*A little bit of who i am:

Maybe i'm a typical soul born in the horoscope of a balance.
A Libra.
Constantly weighing the balance of life trying to find the love of my life.
Still believe the perfect relationship of find my soulmate.

For my whole life, i remember all the love i have been through.
Treasuring every relationship i shared before.
Thanking all sincerely, telling each i have once love you truly and completely.

Lost in time, sheer darkness grips me tight.
Every steps weighs down on me.
Draining me physically, mentally, and emotionally.
The only hope i have and look forward too is that light so far away.
Endless path seems to be ahead.
Maybe i'm tired.
Or i'm too tired.
Feeling of giving up seems like an easy way out.
Tempted to reach for it as i can no longer hold on the sight of that light.

Knees grow weak.
I finally drop to my knees.
Only to find, i had been walking on broken glass all this while.
Warm fluid runs down from my knee.
But i can feel no pain.
For the pain from my broken heart numbs all others.

At the verge of giving up everything.
The Beliefs i hold onto so dearly.

Tears streaming down my eyes blurs all vision.
From the corner of my eye, i saw something.
Something unfamiliar yet felt so comforting.

So comforting...

thE aWakEninG

2007-10-02T12:02:00.000-07:00

The Awakening - 1st Oct 2007

Once again as i walk down the path. The path that's long, uneven and dark.
All i can see is the small little dot of light far away.
The long walk that's slowly became so heavy lifting every step.
Heart grew cold, soul drifting away.
All i have with me ... memories.
Memories of the past.

I tried so hard to leave them behind.
Yet on this lonely road i walk,
tears are streaming from my eyes, blurring my vision.
Heart's bleeding dry as the pain cuts deeper than any knife.
clutching my fist close to my chest hoping it can somehow soothe the pain.

Soon i finally loose all senses and track of time.
No longer aware of the darkness that surrounds me.
As now i'm completely embraced in it.

Into stage of trance, waiting.